What many people don't know are some very private, dark issues that I have been through in my life, both more recent, and in the past 10 years. These are things that I kept swept under a rug away from most people in an effort to protect the names of those who have triggered this pain. Why drag them through the mud when they are trying to get their life on track?
What that leaves me with though is a big dark secret. Luckily, there is one light in the midst of all of this; my son. He keeps me smiling through the tears! Seems like I am constantly on this pursuit to find happiness or to have this hole filled in my life. What could I do that would make me happy? "Oh, I know... if I just lost 15 lbs and got in shape, I would be so much happier", "If I start running again, I'll be happy", "if I start my own business, and could stay at home more, I would be happier", "if I had a girls weekend and got away for a bit, I would be happy", "if we could have a date night I would be happy", "if we could move into a bigger place", "if only I could get a new job", and the list goes on and on and on. To the point of driving my friends and family away because there is always a new thing I am going after or searching for. I am never content just sitting with the uncomfortable emotions.
... I am a good momma, I might be a little guarded with myself and my emotions, but I am a scarred and wounded soul. It doesn't mean I dislike you, it means I simply protect myself first. It is a natural defense mechanism that I have developed due to the things I have experienced. We are all human in this world. Accept this difference within me.
I was talking to a friend recently who has reached out to me at the perfect time. I was telling her about not feeling like myself anymore, and about going back to counseling (because in my eyes, there is absolutely no shame in admitting when you need this in your life). She reminded me of some of the qualities she saw within me when we were younger. When she began to jot them off, tears streamed down my face... "graceful, kind, nurturing, and a gentile personality". I still feel those qualities but they are overshadowed by anger, depression, & anxiety most of the time. What a burden it is keeping these things buried under a nurturing soul. Why can't I go back to those times when I was "undamaged" "unhurt"? Why did someone have to steal those things away from me? These are the things that rage within me. A part of my pursuit is learning to let them go. I absolutely have control over someone being able to steal those qualities away from me. And how dare they even tried.
I know the saying goes "the search for happiness is not in what you find, but it is in the pursuit" I am trying so hard to live by this today... to end the endless lists of things that "I think" will make me happy, but to pause and notice happy things day to day no matter what it is I am doing that day. To just enjoy the moment... to be okay sitting with uncomfortable and stop the blame games.
To live gentile, and love again. 💜
