Before you begin to read this blog post, I have to throw out
my disclaimer. By no means is this a “pity post” to exclaim “poor me, look at
everything I’ve gone through”, nor is it a comparison to what anyone else has
gone through in their life. We all have our share of struggles, pain, hardship,
and sorrow… all which are handled through individually. As a Social Worker, I
know that our experiences are all relative to how we perceive them. For
example; two children spill their milk at lunch time, one child quietly cries
in the corner and is remorseful, while the other child laughs and makes jokes
about it. There is no right or wrong to either scenario. It’s the capacity to
which I believe is built into our personality (which can be partially genetic
and partially environmentally learned) which then leads us to how we respond.
Of course, as we become older we have a “choice” as to how we respond to
negative situations… but still a part of which we were when we were younger and
how we responded to those situations still exists.
So before I divulge into this “quite a bit” part, I must
declare what I am thankful for: My health, My wonderful family, a wonderful
job, an excellent education, and wonderful friends.
Most of my “quite a bit” has occurred over the past 10
years. I really will not go into great detail as to what these things are, but
can provide a general sense (enough so it will make you understand where I am
today, and what I am trying to do with some of these “bits”). I just don’t feel
that a blog post that is available to anyone’s viewing pleasure is the place to
get “too personal”. Like I mentioned,
these “bits” have occurred over the past 10 years… I have had a wonderful
childhood in a very functional and loving family, and School for the most part
was fine (no complaints).
So if you have done the math, age 19 really began a whole
new world of learning for me. I learned how to live on my own (not so
successfully). I don’t think I was quite ready to be completely on my own, and especially
married at that age, and living 15 hours away from home. I somehow became lost
in a world that I had no idea how to function in. I found a job that I did
enjoy, but cleaning and keeping a house just was not my thing. I was no “June
Cleaver” by any means. I was also not a slob. In comparison to some of the
houses I had been in of other couples I associated myself with, our house was
not so bad. However, my relationship was extremely bad. It was the kind of
toxic relationship that you know you should have left practically when it
started. You name it, it happened to me (or us rather). When the relationship
finally ended, I (of course) was upset, but it wasn’t just a loss of a
relationship for me, it was a sense of failure (that I had done something
wrong), even though on the contrary, I was not the person that inflicted the
pain in the relationship. It was also a multitude of losses; the death of one
of our close friends who was killed in Iraq just months prior to splitting up,
the loss of living in a geographically beautiful location (to move home in the
dead of winter), the loss of the new friends I had made, the loss of a job I
had loved, and the loss of my independence. Today, I hold no anger toward this event in my
life, even though “anger” was the only emotion I allowed myself to feel for a
period of time after it happened, in order to move on with my life. It is one
of those “glimpses” in time, that you think will NEVER fade away, yet somehow
it has managed to practically fade completely away.
At the age of 21/22, I found myself on the brink of a
divorce, and moving home with my parents. I had made the quick decision to immediately
enroll in college to finish my bachelor’s degree, a dream I had always had. I
also found myself quickly making new friends, anything to get my mind
distracted and off of what had just occurred. It was fun to go out, drink, and
just escape life for a bit. I missed moments with my family I am sure, and I
missed many other things that I am sure I regret, but at the time, “slowing
down” wasn’t an option, because if I slowed down, I’d have to face my feelings.
Sometimes life would suddenly “slow down” right smack dab in front of me, and I found myself unable, just totally incapable of handling my emotions. These were the moments I would call to try to get into the school’s counseling center as soon as possible. I remember one of these moments was the last day of the spring semester right before I was going to graduate. For almost two years, I was in a new relationship with someone I really adored, we broke up a month before my graduation, and life “slowed down”, everything came flooding back to me about the prior relationship, this new relationship, and all of the losses I had endured. I was able to get into the counseling center that day- in which they did a depression screen on me. I must have failed horribly at the screen, because it was recommended that I see the psychiatrist to discuss prescription medication. The psychiatrist got the most brief run down you can imagine of everything that had occurred over the past 4 years, and how I had been handling it. He was rushing and appeared to be in a huge hurry himself, as I was his last appointment of the semester right before summer break. I was given (what I like to refer to as) a “tricker treat” bag of psychiatric medication samples. “You can try this one because you aren’t sleeping”, “but if that doesn’t work, try this one because you aren’t eating”, and “if those aren’t helping your mood, discontinue those, especially when your appetite returns, and try this one”. I put the bag in my car, and never tried a single pill. But somehow, I got through it. Like I mentioned before, we are all different the way we handle things. I think the bag of pills was my biggest eye opener in realizing, wow, I am not THAT bad off to be needing all these medications, I can most certainly handle this on my own. I left with more determination than ever to fight whatever had come over me.
My most recent “bit” occurred this year, just before
Christmas. Isn’t it strange how things always happen right before Christmas?
Well at least in my family they do: the first relationship ended right before
Christmas, a year later, my grandfather had quadruple bypass surgery (which is
normally pretty routine), but his liver and kidneys began to fail shortly after
surgery, we thought we would all be saying our goodbyes to him, but after
spending over a month at the hospital, he miraculously pulled through. A year
after that, my niece (age 6) suffered a stroke right before Christmas, and
lastly, I endured a painful event this past year right before Christmas.
Something I never expected, all while starting a brand new job, and being 3
months pregnant.
Ironically, last winter, I got married. I was so determined
to have a winter wedding, I wanted some sort of magically happy memory to
remember and celebrate during the winter season.
When I hear songs on the radio, sometimes I might burst into
tears, and it’s not “poor me” tears, these are the real tears that come from
deep down within. When I see certain things or someone says something to me,
there are times I just feel like telling them how I feel, or snapping. It is my
true reaction to how I am feeling. I know that crying 24/7 does no good for my
soul, but in a way there are times it feels great. I can’t help but be more
aware of what my body needs, what my emotions need in order to recover, in
order to heal. It is a lot of “trial and error” figuring out what is too much,
and when it’s necessary. Just as it did
no good for the child who cried the entire day over their spilled milk, it does
me no good to cry all day over my own struggles as well, but it also does no
good to brush over the spilled milk ,ignore it, and make a joke about it. I
learned that much earlier when I found myself on the stoop of that counseling
center on the last day of the semester, leaving with a bag of pills.
What I rely on a lot currently, which may work for some and
maybe not for others is: my faith. I don’t ask God why, I ask him how. How does
he want this event to change me for the better, how does he want to use this in
his work, how can I become better from this? “Guide me to what you would like
to use me for in the tragic time that I am going through”.
Again, as I don’t believe “time heals” but I do believe time
“eases some pains”, the pains aren’t as sharp as they were that first day… but
there is still the presence of pain.
We all heal differently, we all respond differently; we all
find our own way out of our sorrows, struggles differently. What is the best
balance for you? What was one smallest thing you’ve tried that just seemed to
ease things even in the slightest? Sometimes we have to refer to that inner
child- what worked for us when we responded like_____ in the past? What didn’t
work? And sometimes just not thinking at all, and just being okay with “feeling
the pain” for some time is all we can do until we can begin to think again
after the numbing has worn off.
I have been through a lot in 29 years, but I am learning to
cope…
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